The Canine Curve

    I need a deep breath; a brief respite, as it were, from the craziness. So, let's have some fun, shall we? How about IQ tests?! Really? IQ tests, Peter? Don't tell me you're going to do a commentary on Charles Murray's The Bell Curve? Do you not want ANY friends? No, no, Sancho. Canine IQ tests! Oh, great...a piece on dogs. Thanks, boss! I'll go take a nap.

    Anyway, a couple of weeks ago there was an article about a series of tests that University of Helsinki researchers in Finland conducted using over 1,000 dogs from 13 different breeds. The 10 tests measured social cognition, inhibitory control, and spatial problem-solving ability. These weren't your typical roll-over, sit, fetch, and don't pee on the white Peruvian shag carpet, tests! Our Finnish friends were serious! If you're interested, the complete findings can be found here in the journal Scientific Reports. 

    Can you believe this whole thing took 6 years from 2016 to 2022? My first thought was there is no way they got 1,600 dogs to hang out together for 6 whole years! You're an idiot. Anyway, the test is called the smartDOG test battery, developed by Katriina Tiira. Ms. Tiira and her gang tested for the things I mentioned above as well as for logical reasoning and short-term memory. Logical reasoning?! Are you kidding me...for a dog! 

    This led to my second thought: Thank the gods America isn't the only country that spends millions of dollars on tests that may be considered, shall we say, less than useful. And you thought people only laughed at us because we elect dopes like Trump and Biden to the highest office in the land. Usually it's OUR vaunted university system that takes a billion dollars from Washington, and then spends a year or two...or three, trying to find out why adolescents tie their right shoe first, or their left shoe. Or better yet, why men visiting New York for the very first time will NEVER, EVER use their GPS device when trying to get from one end of Manhattan to another! Let me save America billions of dollars. Because men are dopes!

    But back to the dogs. Some of these cognitive tests included the tester using prescribed gestures toward a bowl of food; gestures ranging from emphatic pointing to a simple moving of one's eye to see if the dog will get the hint. Are you kidding me? That doesn't even work on humans. I remember being at a party in my younger days, and talking to a pretty girl whose affections I was trying to, shall we say, entice. So I did exactly what these testers did and nodded my head toward the exit, while shifting my eyes ever so romantically that way, as well. I did everything but do the emphatic pointing thing...and grunt! I believe the words this wonderful young lady used were, and I quote, "Peter, are you okay? Do you need to sit down? Hey Laura, I think Peter is having a seizure!" I hope it worked out better for the dogs.

    The breeds included, but were not limited to, the Border Collie, Belgian Malinois, English Cocker Spaniel, German Shepherd, Golden Retriever, Labrador Retriever, and the ever lovable "mixed breed." I could have spared them the tests on the Cocker Spaniel. I grew up with one in high school...Cinder. I loved that dog and she was great. But let's be honest; she wasn't going to canine MENSA meetings at night! If, in the middle of the night, a couple of robbers silently made their way into the house, Cinder would have wagged her tail and escorted them to all the valuables. The best part was when I lived in Boston and would call home, my mother would put the phone up to Cinder's ear and I would say a few words, hoping for a bark! No chance. Cinder, upon hearing my voice would immediately run to my old bedroom, wondering where I was. But she gave all the love in the world!

    Anyway, my third and last thought was...Why? Did we really need to know which breed of dog was smarter and which was dumber? I mean, wouldn't the smart dogs make fun of the dumb ones? Or maybe the dumb ones would be like Biff in Back To The Future, and they would bully the smart ones and get them to do their homework!! This could be the beginning of a terrible schism in the canine world!! You really are an idiot! I mean, I know that some owners need smart dogs if they're sheep herders or something like that. You get a stupid dog and the sheep end up in Norway or somewhere! Or worse, the stupid dog loses the 500 sheep and they cross the Finnish border, then travel across Russia and Siberia to the Bering Sea Strait, swim over to Alaska and show up at Cheri Serany's house! Cheri then happens to look out her window and say, "Hmmm...fine wool winter clothing, lamp chops and rack of lamb!" But I digress. Other than that, who cares how smart or dumb the dog is? Don't you just want the dog to keep you company, lick your face every once in a while, and wag its tail when you come home...and, of course, bite the neighbor you can't stand?! Somebody make him stop...

    So, Peter...how did the tests pan out? Well, it seems there were no differences between the breeds with regard to short-term memory and logical reasoning. The differences were found in social cognition, inhibitory control (I'll avoid the juvenile comment equating inhibitory control with dogs licking themselves!), and spatial problem-solving ability (I'm sorry, but I have to interrupt myself again. "Spatial Problem-solving ability"? For dogs? Really? What...they built a tiny doghouse for a Great Dane that was 9'x6', in the hopes that the Great Dane would look at it and go, "Arf, arf!" Which, for a Great Dane means something like, "Have you lost your damn mind! I can't sleep in that! It's a one-bedroom Econo-Lodge! Get outta here!") 

    On the right side of the Doggy Bell Curve in ALL categories were Border Collies. These medium-sized herding dogs it seems have always had a rep as MENSA-brainy. That makes sense, right? I mean..Lassie was an A-list actor! Could do it all!!

    At the other end, on the left-side of this Canine Curve were Labs. These lovable, loyal dogs scored near the bottom of all the breeds in problem-solving ability and inhibitory control (licking themselves and peeing on the Peruvian carpet instead of outside...oh lighten up, I'm kidding!). 

    So there you have it; the most popular breed in the U.S., Labradors are lovable, loyal, friendly, and somewhat trainable...but huge dopes! Don't type it, Peter. Don't even think it! What, Sancho? That's me! I'm a Labrador! A lovable, loyal, friendly, minimally trainable...DOPE! 

    No paperwork. No fee. Just come and take me home! No questions asked!

write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com