Of Course Size Matters…She Said!

    Never let it be said that I did not listen to the greatest readers on the planet...even when the verbal abuse is sometimes overwhelming! In this case, a relatively new reader simply stated, “I thought this blog would be funny! Not true! Always interesting...but certainly not funny. How about some laughs in these depressing times!!” I agree. Sometimes these are mildly humorous, but nothing like the old Golfer’s Gazette days! Those essays were comedic brilliance! Take it easy, Boss. You’re right, my bad. But these are the times we live in and often that becomes a mirror. However, I did read something the other day that might help. It would seem, boys and girls, that size really does matter! You’ve got to be kidding me. Really, Boss? Why not? They’re not paying for this drivel! True. But you run the risk of even more reader-depletion! So we move to Substack! I’m never gonna get paid…

    Where was I? Oh, yeah. Now, I know that “Size matters” sounds like a tabloid cliché, or maybe a conversation on one of those moronic Real Housewives shows. But for evolutionary biologists, the size of the human penis is truly a puzzle. Compared to other great apes, such as chimpanzees and gorillas, my…uh, I mean, the human penis is longer and thicker than expected for a primate of our size. If the primary role of a penis is simply to transfer sperm, why is the human penis so much larger than those of our closest relatives? You’re an idiot!

    A new study, published the other day in PLOS Biology, reveals a larger penis in humans serves two additional purposes: to attract mates and to threaten rivals. Hmmm…Check…and check. 

Understanding why the human body looks the way it does is a popular topic in evolutionary biology. We already know that physical features like greater height and a more V-shaped torso increase a man’s sexual attractiveness. But, believe it or not, less is known about the effect of a larger penis. Humans walked upright long before the invention of clothing, which made the penis highly conspicuous to mates and rivals during most of our evolution. Hmmm…walking around naked! Don’t even think about it!

Might this prominence have been selected for greater size? Thirteen years ago, in a landmark study, women were presented with life-sized projections of 343 videos of anatomically correct, 3D computer-generated male figures that varied in their height, shoulder-to-hip ratio (body shape), and penis size. It was found that women generally prefer taller men with broader shoulders and a larger penis. That study made global headlines, but it only told half the story. In the new study, it was shown that men also pay attention to penis size.

In many species, traits that are more strongly expressed in males, like a lion’s mane or a deer’s antlers, serve two roles: they are attractive to females, and they signal fighting ability to males. Until now, it was not known if the human penis size might also serve such a dual function. The new study confirmed the earlier finding that women find a larger penis more attractive. For crying out loud...please excuse me for a sec, “Hello? No, I can’t meet you again tonight! It's been 5 nights in a row! I gotta go...I'm writing. Call me tomorrow, You too.” Sorry about that. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah... It was then tested whether men also consider a rival with a larger penis as more attractive to women and, for the first time, they tried to determine if men treat a larger penis as a signal of a more dangerous opponent when it comes to a fight. To find these answers, more than 800 participants were shown those 343 figures that varied in height, body shape and penis size (and I don't know how they got my photo). The participants viewed and rated a subset of these figures either in person as life-sized projections, or online where they were viewed on their own computer, tablet or phone.

Women were asked to rate the figures’ sexual attractiveness; and men were asked to assess the figures as potential rivals, rating how physically threatening or sexually competitive each figure appeared. For women, a larger penis, greater height, and a V-shaped upper body all increased a man’s attractiveness. However, there was a diminishing effect: beyond a certain point, further increase in penis size or height offered smaller returns. The real revelation, however, came from the men. Men considered a larger penis as an indicator of a rival with both greater fighting ability and as a stronger sexual competitor. Males also rated taller figures with a more V-shaped torso in the same fashion. However, in contrast to women, men consistently ranked males with ever more exaggerated traits as stronger sexual competitors, suggesting that men tend to overestimate the attractiveness of these characteristics to women. The authors of the study were surprised by the consistency of the findings. The ratings of the different figures yielded very similar conclusions regardless of whether participants viewed life-sized projections of the figures in person, or saw them on a smaller screen online. 

It’s important to remember that the human penis primarily evolved for sperm transfer. Even so, the findings show it is also a biological signal. Like the Bat Signal? There is now evidence that the evolution of penis size could have been partly driven by the sexual preferences of females, and as a signal of physical ability used by males. However, the effect of penis size on attractiveness was 4-to 7-times higher than its effect as a signal of fighting ability. This suggests that the enlarged penis in humans evolved more in response to its effect as a “sexual ornament” to attract females than as a badge of status for males, although it does both. Wait a minute. “Sexual ornament! Is that all I am?! How insulting! Anyway…

Interestingly, the study also highlighted a psychological quirk. The authors measured how quickly people rated these figures. Participants were significantly quicker to rate figures with a smaller penis, shorter height, and a less V-shaped upper body (You know, they never tell you what kind of V they are talking about. Maybe it’s an upside down V! That’s okay, too…right?) This rapid response suggests that these traits are subconsciously almost instantly rated as less sexually attractive or physically threatening. Hey Boss. Didn’t your results packet come back almost immediately? Hmmm…? I don’t remember. 

      There are, of course, limitations to what the experiment reveals. The authors varied male height, penis size and body shape, but in the real world characteristics such as facial features, like dimples, and personality, say…bloggers, golfers, piano players, and devotees of Shakespeare, are also major factors in how highly men are rated. It remains to be seen how these factors interact, so I’ll keep you posted…especially if it’s good for me! Dope…!

Write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com