Gladys Kravitz Is Alive And Well

    Remember Mrs. Kravitz from the1960s sitcom, Bewitched? She was the epitome of the nosy neighbor who spent the day staring out her window at all the goings on at the Stevens’ household and all around their idyllic neighborhood. Well, we have no witches in the here and now, but we’ve still got morons who refuse to mind their own damn business. Which brings us to our story. 

    Whenever Ms. Gordon lets her sons go outside now, she cleans house. “All right, my kid just went around the block to see his friend, let me sweep,” she says. “Because I know if the house is clean, that’s the first step toward making a good impression on Child Protective Services. It's a bizarre thought process, but...because there’s always a “but”. 

    But not completely irrational. Gordon has had the police called on her FOUR times for letting her sons, ages 5, 7, and 9, walk and play outside in Bala Cynwyd, a suburb of Philadelphia. A local reporter reviewed several private messages Gordon exchanged with friends confirming her version of events.

    The first time was about 18 months ago. “I was puttering around in the garden,” says Gordon. “The kids were around the corner, but they were never more than a few hundred feet away.” She had given the boys her phone to play something called Pokemon Go, a game where you find Pokemon nearby using virtual reality. Unbelievable! All I had at that age was a Big-Wheel! Anyway... “They said a woman called to them and asked if they were lost,” Gordon says. “And they ignored her because they were very busy. And she must have called the police.”

    The boys were already home when the police pulled up. “My son [6 at the time] insisted on describing the whole Pokemon thing to this poor cop who I think decided to cut the visit short because of that.” Priceless…!

    Incident No. 2 involved Pokemon again. (I cannot believe I am writing a piece where I have used the word “Pokemon” multiple times...ugh...) Gordon was in the little gym across the street from her home with two of her kids. One was in a soccer program, so the youngest, 5, asked to go out to the sidewalk to catch some more…you guessed it…Pokemon. Gordon said he could, but only for a few minutes.

    “He performed perfectly,” says Gordon, and soon came back in. So did a woman who spoke to Gordon about seeing the child unattended. Either before or after this, the woman apparently called the cops. An officer arrived soon after.

    Gordon told the cop she didn’t think her son had been in any danger. The cop agreed. When he left, Gordon followed him outside and saw him telling the woman and another man in the parking lot, “No, there’s nothing further I can do. There’s no signs of abuse or neglect.” Concluded Gordon, “They wanted me arrested or something.”

    Note that while it is becoming unusual to see kids as young as 5 outside on their own, psychologists say that, developmentally, kids are ready to walk to school by that age. Well, of course they are! My childhood friends and I walked to school at that age! And I’m pretty sure many of you did, too! 

    In Incident No. 3, Gordon was walking around the neighborhood with the 5- and 7-year-old. The older boy wanted to go home, the younger one wanted to keep walking. So she told the 7-year-old he could walk back by himself. That meant he had to cross a couple of quiet streets he was already allowed to cross.

    When he got to his corner, some pickleball players asked if he was lost. He said no. They asked him where he lived. “He pointed to our house because you could see it from the corner,” says Gordon. He should of said, “It’s none of your fucking business.” I’m kidding…sort of.  Now, first of all, can we at the very least, state that pickleball and the people that play this hideous, useless sport are becoming the bane of civilized society. Now, they are ratting out the neighbors kids! Get a real sport and shut the hell up! Sorry...I digress. Where was I?

    Oh, yeah. The youngster then proceeded into his home. And at some point afterward, so did the police. This time Gordon’s husband spoke to them. “I don’t know the exact conversation, because I wasn’t there,” she says. “But basically it was like, ‘Yes, he’s 7. He’s allowed to walk up the block and around the corner by himself. He’s even allowed to go the playground by himself. I mean—it’s right there. And the cop was like, ‘Yeah, I don’t see anything here to worry about.’” Case closed, right? Please…

    Then, defying all laws of intelligence, came Incident No. 4! Gordon and the 5- and 7-year-old were walking a few blocks to go put books in a little free library. On the way home, along the local commercial avenue, there’s a plastic elephant in front of a car dealership that the 7-year-old likes to “ride.” His mom discourages this. Wait, what happened to Pokémon? See what I did there?

    On this trip, Mom and the younger son were partway down the block while her 7-year-old had stayed behind at the elephant. Her younger son had to go to the bathroom. So Gordon continued down the block, hoping this would help the older boy learn the natural consequences of his dawdling. He yelled at his mom to wait; she yelled back for him to catch up. But she wasn’t worried, because even if he didn’t, he has taken this walk hundreds of times before. And each time she turned around, there he was—a block behind her. No big deal, right?! Wrong. 

    Mom and younger son got home, as did the elephant-rider a few minutes later. But a few minutes after that, a cop arrived, too, saying, “I heard a report about a kid who looked lost by the BMW dealership.”

    “So it occurs to me that the person [who called the cops] must’ve followed us home,” says Gordon.

    First of all: Can I get a HUGE shout-out for the various police officers who refused to escalate these calls into anything more than a check-in and a goodbye. I have written on this topic before to point out what morons local police can be when confronted with youngsters SAFELY playing in their neighborhoods by themselves. These policemen and policewomen in Bala Cynwyd actually have the common sense to ignore idiocy when they see and hear it. But here’s the unintended consequence to this particular idiocy. We now have to think about what it means when any dope with a phone can set the power of the state in motion.

    The problem, Gordon points out, is that when you have more than one kid, you simply cannot helicopter parent. For instance: What if you have a few that want to stay at the playground and one who needs to run home? (Exactly the situation I previously wrote about which Kansas mom Shaley Knickerbocker found herself in—and had the police called on her.)

    When she thinks back to her own childhood in Brooklyn, says Gordon, “The best memories I have are being away from adults.” Going to the library or store—even building a little clubhouse in an old widow’s bushes. I can second that. As soon as my friends and I were old enough to have the training wheels off, we followed the old mosquito trucks spraying who knows what, all over Bristol...EVERY NIGHT! Which, of course, may explain a few things. But that's for another essay!

    As of this writing, the Pennsylvania Legislature is considering a Reasonable Childhood Independence bill that would establish commonsense protections for families like Gordon’s. Currently, Pennsylvania’s child neglect law is broad. It says parents must provide ‘proper care.’ “But the word ‘proper’ is vague and it invites bias and subjectivity,” says Kathleen Creamer, managing attorney of the Family Advocacy Unit at Community Legal Services of Philadelphia.

    House Bill 1873 would amend the definition of neglect to exclude age-old independent activities, like walking to school, playing outside, or being home alone for a reasonable amount of time. The bill advanced out of committee in late 2025 and awaits further action from state lawmakers. 

    Gordon and her husband bought their house because it is across the street from a playground. She wants her kids to have a healthy, happy childhood—running errands, riding their bikes, and playing, without the threat of government intervention.

    After all, she says: “What’s the point of living across from a playground if my kids can’t go there?” And I would add, maybe the Mrs. Kravitz’ of the world should mind their own damn business.

Write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com