Tiger's Gift To Us

For years, I’ve watched Tiger and marveled at his golf game. I have sat in front of the television, sometimes alone in my den, sometimes in the bar at the club with the boys, and become wide-eyed at the things he makes a golf ball do. The man is one of the two greatest golfers the game has ever known. What I didn’t watch was his mea culpa the other day, asking the world for forgiveness. But for everyone who did, and especially those of you who thought it necessary (and then turned around and whacked him for how he did it) I hope you now have the family jewels to say “Thank you, Tiger.”

Yes, thank you. Because that little speech he gave was more about you than about him. I mean, what exactly did he do to you? Let you down? Grow up. He committed adultery. He caused his wife an incredible amount of pain and suffering. His kids are going to grow up and have to put with all of the crap that other kids can dish out. His mother, who thought she raised an upright, moral young man wanted to be anywhere other than that, what are we calling it, news conference. Depending on how long she’s known about this whole sordid affair, she now knows her son is a pig. But to you, he did nothing.

I know, “But he owes me for not living up to the image he portrayed.” Again, grow up. The man is a great golfer and because of that a bunch of companies paid him handsomely hoping that because Tiger Woods endorsed their product, you’d buy it. That’s it. If you’re pissed off, play Titleist clubs instead of Nike. Or drink Snapple instead of Gatorade. That image you’re so upset about is the mirror you put up. And this episode gave all of you a chance to genuflect and feel pretty good about yourselves. You got to preen and pose and posture and get up on your moral high horse and say, “What a bad man.”

Oh wait, I can hear it now. “I can’t believe you’re defending him.” This is not about defending him. Well, in a way it is. I’m defending him from all of you who were moronic enough to put him on some kind of pedestal in the first place. As far as defending his actions, are you nuts? Only an idiot would defend him. I refer to the above paragraphs.

You know, at first I thought this would be a gender thing. You kind of figure that women would be up in arms about this, but there was a part of me that thought there would be more guys like my friend Feats McGee and myself. But it’s not that way at all. I’ve read columns by so-called macho sports columnists who think that life couldn’t go on unless Tiger did the Oprah-thing. The only thing that couldn’t go on was some of these guys having to write about just Tiger’s golf game over and over, without any Access Hollywood story to go with it. They couldn’t wait for something like this. And just as a side note: All you women out there who gave a former President of the United States a pass for banging every chick in Arkansas and then getting blow jobs in the Oval Office by a girl old enough to be MY daughter…shut the hell up. You’re an embarrassment to your gender.

Tiger took no oath of office, he didn’t break any public trust. He’s a GOLFER! The trust he broke was the one with his wife. And the moral crime if you will, that he committed involved nothing more than his wife and family. That's who he owed the apology to. Not a bunch of viewers who think Tiger owed them his soul.

So go ahead and be a little disappointed. I know I am. But I can’t wait until he comes back to play golf and beats the hell out of guys like Mickelson and Els. Because in the end, that’s all any of us watched him for. If your faith in humanity is destroyed and your life is less meaningful because of this, you never had a life in the first place. Just say thank you to Mr. Woods for helping you feel better about yourself and go back to Access Hollywood.