The 100-Mile-High Club!

    Can you believe it? It seems I am being accused of slowly devolving into a cynical, "get off my lawn", "cranky old man"! Really?! Peter...you've been cranky for a while now. Remember, the first step toward un-crankiness is admitting you have a problem. Sancho, you're not helping. That said, after perusing some recent posts, it could be argued that I've been a little more negative than is customary for a man who loves humor as much as I do. And to be fair, the person who put the mirror to me is an avid reader and dear friend. Thank you, Ms. Quinn. So what does one do when trying to get off the cranky train and realign oneself. Yes, that's right...SPACE SEX! Oh, no. You've got to be kidding.

    Now, before your heads explode, well, maybe that was the wrong choice of words, as this is a somewhat, scientific piece. But my long-time readers know that I would never...EVER...stoop to cheap, sexual innuendo to get a good laugh! Peter, you would make fun of your own sainted grandmother to get a good laugh. Well, maybe...but there must be lines. Sancho, keep a lookout for those lines. You're already inching closer boss, but okay!

    As we have seen recently, the private sector is all in with regard to space travel, and it seems that NASA is going to let said private sector drive the bus to a certain extent in the near-term. NASA's goals are the big picture like getting back to the Moon, and even colonizing Mars. The private sector is going to take baby steps like they have recently: shooting people up into a low orbit, letting them hang out for a few seconds and then drop them back to earth like a coconut falling out of a tree. Personally, I thought it was pretty cool that they allowed William Shatner to take a ride. He seemed genuinely moved by the experience. And he's freaking James T. Kirk for crying out loud! Captain of the USS Enterprise! Sorry, my bad. 

    What has been put on the back burner this whole time is one issue with regard to the idea of human beings in long-term space flight. Yes, I'm talking about...SPACE-SEX! You might have thought I would be talking about aging, nourishment, or other physiological issues in space...whatever. Nope...dear reader...SPACE-SEX! Peter, why do you keep capitalizing the whole phrase? It's good to be seen and not heard, Sancho! 

    Recently, a team led by Simon Dube at Concordia University in Canada, was charged with looking into this issue. I'm still annoyed that I didn't get the call, but that's NASA for you. Anyway, Mr. Dube is a PhD candidate in psychology specializing in human sexuality, sex tech, and erobotics (I knew I should have paid more attention in Psych 101) and he and his team have been picked to study extraterrestrial intimacy and sexuality. I'm pretty sure these are the things that my dear friends John Dardes and Rich Applegate specialized in back in the day! They should have gotten the call. Then, maybe, they might have asked me to join! But I digress. 

    Now, I've read that NASA has ignored this type of study for a while, probably afraid of controversy or getting funding whacked. Currently, astronauts are forbidden to have any type of intimacy aboard the International Space Station. I guess NASA figures, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"! But let's be honest, whether or not there's anything going on up there now, once we start talking about LONG-TERM space travel...where there are human beings...there's gonna be sex. And it has to be studied, looked at, lovingly gazed at and gently held, so that those who study the issue get everything they can out of it. You are such a juvenile delinquent! 

    Dube and his colleagues have come up with a number of potential risks: ionizing radiation could interfere with the DNA in sperm cells (no reproduction); it could also alter the DNA of sperm and egg cells, even human embryos. And did I mention weightlessness?! Yes, weightlessness! How cool is that! They also brought up cleanliness. In this type of environment, cleanliness is paramount. I say, really? C'mon! Be honest, sex is messy...I mean, if you're doing it right! Peter, coming close to a line...back on track. Oh, sorry. 

    Dube's team also brought up cramped quarters, the remoteness of it all, and privacy issues that would make sexual intimacy a little hard to come by. Please...let's remember that men are dopes, if not pigs. Can you imagine six astronauts heading to Mars in a glorified AMC Pacer? I guarantee you that one guy is going to say to one of the female astronauts (or maybe, the female astronaut says to the guy...I mean, women can be, you know, like that!), "Hey baby, those stars are looking pretty good! You want me to sing you a little Age of Aquarius?" And then he says to his colleagues, "Hey can y'all check out that comet for a couple of minutes?" And she says, "A COUPLE OF MINUTES! REALLY?!" Well, I figure men are just as useless in space. I mean, not me of course...but again, I digress.

    On the serious side, NASA and Dube's team make the case that as we head into this, once science fiction-like future, these are issues that need to be addressed: especially since non-astronauts are going to be making more and more of these flights. Dube talks about designing systems and spaces that allow eroticism to be safe, private, and hygienic. You've also got sexual health issues, BABIES maybe, training programs to instruct about SPACE-SEX, and even trying to engineer sexual technologies like toys or robots that permit clean and satisfying sexual experience. On my father's grave, I'm not making that last one up!

    So, here we are. NASA, to its credit, is realizing that sex is important and healthy. Sexual activity relieves stress, lowers blood pressure, and helps with sleep, among many other benefits (maybe I should frame that last sentence and put it on the refrigerator!). You really are an idiot!  Ultimately, if properly researched and planned for, "intimacy and sexuality - like leisure - could help endure and normalize life in space by making it more enjoyable and less lonely." Well, duh! Did anyone ever see Captain Kirk look lonely while out there in space! You are hopeless... 

    At the end of his interview, Dube says, "Facilitating intimacy and sexuality in space could improve the life of astronauts and future space inhabitants. Intimate and sexual activities can arguably help people adapt to space contexts and normalize space life." And I say, in conclusion, there's a reason James T. Kirk is the greatest captain in Starfleet history!! Thanks again, Ms. Quinn. The humor is back. I owe you! What do you think, Sancho? This young woman is never to be forgiven!

write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com