Our Latest Crisis

    Well, now. What to write about? Something that will make people think a little, right? It has to be current, as well. I do try to keep up with the times. You certainly keep with the fact that you're an idiot! Yes, my little friend. I do try and remind people of that fact. And if I don't, I know you will. So what have you got, Boss? Well, we've got the beginning of a new school year and already there are threats to Jewish students from Pittsburgh to Los Angeles. There's another scientist claiming that we have no free will and that every move and thought we make is determined by our genes and our environment. And one of my favorite authors, Alice Munro, is being pilloried, posthumously, for seemingly acquiescing in the physical and mental abuse of her daughter by Munro's second husband and then writing about it in her short stories. And lastly, we have the "Spermageddon Crisis!" Wait…the what? You can stop calling in now, kids...I think we've got a winner!

    So, let's back up for a minute. Given the influx of news stories recently, you'd be forgiven for thinking the human race is slowly killing itself off with pollution, microplastics and forever chemicals. Reports of falling semen counts have fueled talk of a co-called 'spermageddon', while fertility treatments and the number of politicians' promises to pay women to have children are on the rise. 
    So the big question is, "Do we face extinction by infertility? And just so we're clear, this is not an article about me! I mean, c'mon. Me? Really? I'm good. Moron… Just doing the research that my devoted readers have come to expect from this professional publication. You are such a dope! Anyway, a Professor Allan Pacey, who is a male fertility researcher and sperm biologist at the University of Manchester in England, and Professor Sarah Harper, Director of the Oxford Institute of Population Aging, tell us that there are causes for concern, but it doesn't mean we're in the midst of a crisis. 

    So, Professors; why do some people think we're facing a 'spermageddon'? It seems that it goes all the way back to 1974, which found that the sperm counts in American males were down compared to data collected in the 1950s. While the initial study didn't identify a cause, reports into declining sperm counts in the decades since have put the problem down to a number of factors, including climate change (of course), genetic defects in people's DNA, and, more recently, microplastics. Really? Microplastics? I need to read more...

    But for those skeptics among you, you have friends. You see, not all experts are convinced. A different study, which also came out in 1974, used the same set of data and came to different conclusions, but failed to receive the same coverage as the first study. It would seem that lack of sperm in men is a better headline. 

   You see, Professor Pacey worries about confirmation bias--an imbalance of attention and subsequent research in favor of one side of the argument--because of the heavy focus on the earlier (lack of sperm) study. That is despite, as he points out, the first paper's two comparative datasets being inconsistent, featuring participants from different age groups, which is a significant factor in determining fertility. 

    Pacey says that all these decades later, "we still haven't sorted it out. I'm still on the fence about spermageddon." In fact, a 21-year study published in 2018 revealed little change in the sperm quality of the Danish men who participated. Pacey's own study on Danish donors found no evidence of sperm count declines, apart from changes to sperm motility (the effectiveness of how sperm moves) during the COVID-19 years. Both studies suggest that fears of a spermageddon may be somewhat overexaggerated. 

    A recent review of existing research into sperm counts, published in the journal Nature, found that while there are pockets of decline, the "available data do not enable us to conclude that human semen quality is deteriorating worldwide." This was confirmed when I participated in the top secret American study and they found that my sperm count was all the way to the right of the "Sperm Bell Curve" and my sperm motility was so effective that it was akin to a golf ball soaring through the sky as if struck by Tiger Woods. Well, maybe using my man Tiger is not the best example for this piece...but you know what I mean, right? Will you please stop! 

    Anyway, if we're asking is there evidence that global infertility is actually on the rise, I guess it depends on how you define infertility. The fact is, child birth rates are certainly falling. But there is no evidence for a global trend of people facing difficulties in conceiving. More and more people are attending infertility clinics but that doesn't mean there is a crisis. This could be because there is increased opportunity for treatment as well as infertility being less stigmatized that ever before. Many people are also deciding to have children when they're older, which raises the risk of infertility.

    Paley says, that as for sperm count decline, it's a huge "scientific leap of faith" to take issues like microplastics and forever chemicals and draw a line to infertility. On the other hand, families are having less children and populations aren't naturally replacing themselves. And that's a problem. In countries like South Korea, China and the United States, birth rates have fallen below the replacement rate of 2.1 children per woman. That's not good. It is said that if a country stays below that replacement of 2.1 children for three or four decades, the trend may be irreversible and that country's population will stagnate and over time...die out. That said, the United Nations projects that the global population will continue to grow to 9.7 Billion by 2050 then decline or flatten off towards the end of the century. 

    The bottom line is, falling birth rates could be the result of many factors: higher infant survival rates, access to family planning, education of women and high-quality childhoods. Our professor friends aren't too worried from a global population standpoint. I mean, it's crucial for families where there is infertility, but these issues can be dealt with on a "needs" basis and don't have too much to do with an overall, global population decline. Pacey says there needs to be more access to fertility support for people experiencing infertility, including cost. Poverty and domestic violence against women can also be traced back to infertility, where, sadly, male partners assume that infertility is a female problem.

    The most important factor right now, it seems, is the decision whether or not to have children in the first place, and "all the variables that come into that decision." Professor Harper adds that infertility trends "would have to be huge" to affect the global population. "I can't imagine a world where we would get to that...I'd be really surprised if it impacted at the population level." 

    So, I think I feel better. The researchers tell me that if need be, I can lead the fight against SPERMAGEDDON and population decline. So, ladies, I'm here for you! Boss, they've been running FROM you for decades. They don't need you...idiot. And it's always cool that global warming is a cause of some catastrophe, whether or not there's any proof. It means that I can blame a bad round of golf on rising temperatures. And microplastics are something that never even entered my addled brain. But we'll keep an eye on all of this for you. All humor aside, it is a serious issue in the long run, and we at The Golf Room are here for you. Right, Sancho? Right, Boss. As long as it's the last time we hear about your sperm counts. That's a deal!

write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com