Who Knew?

    So, I'm taking my daily walk over at Tyler State Park last week. I love that park. You've got Neshaminy Creek slowly meandering its way through the 1,711 acres of forest; paved walking paths as well as dirt paths up through said forest that can take their toll if you're not in shape, or get you back in shape in a hurry! Scattered throughout are picnic tables, park benches, softball fields, and even a frisbee golf course! Even if you're there just walking the dog, clearing your head, or taking a romantic stroll with the significant other...Tyler is a local Bucks County treasure. But...and there's always a but...sometimes, things get weird. 

    This particular day was like any other for me. A light breakfast, to be followed by the long park walk, and then the gym, reading, writing, check on the parental units...whatever. And as I started my walk down near the cement bridge that takes you to the walking paths across the creek and I put in the earbuds for the music, a young woman comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder. This is rare as most young women are usually running away from me! So I'm intrigued. I stand up straight and smile and try to look mildly intelligent. And then the strangest words come out of her mouth. "Excuse me, but like, aren't you that actor guy Kris, who like, plays the Thor guy in the movies?" Needless to say, I was stunned! I was expecting something more along the lines of, "Excuse me, but you look like a well-read man, could you recommend a good novel?" Or, "Aren't you the guy who like, hit me with a golf ball last fall?" Or at the very least, "Hey, you, are you a park ranger here, and can you get my lazy son a summer job?" But no...Kris Hemsworth...Thor...me?

    After she walked away and I slowly returned from Cloud 9, I thought to myself, "Hmmm...not totally unbelievable...maybe." I mean, every once in a while I get lazy and let the hair grow, so I had the long blonde locks flowing! And I'm in the gym regularly, watching what I eat! Why not? What was that? What did I tell her? Yes, Peter, what did you tell this poor, disturbed girl? What do you think I said? I said, YES! But I asked her to keep it quiet as I hate crowds and I was just getting used to the area as we were going to make a film in Bucks County. She asked for an autograph and I humbly obliged. I hope I spelled Kris' name right! It's CHRIS, you idiot! Oh, my bad. Well, what does he know? And you know what? She said I was doing really well with my American accent! Is this a great country, or what?! But then I got to thinking...Kris Hemsworth? Really? Usually I get mistaken for Brad Pitt or Matt Damon! I mean, Pitt and Damon are not just pretty faces; they've won Academy Awards! They're A-listers, baby! What's Hemsworth won, a People's Choice Award or even worse, an MTV Award? Please, stop. Peter, the guy is money at the box office; he's pocketed $150 million and he's still a kid!; he's a stud; he's got muscles you've never even heard of; and he's years younger than those other dopes. Get over yourself! You're right, Sancho. Me and Kris Hemsworth...he's a lucky guy.

    Now, you might think that was the strangest thing to happen to me on this beautiful day. Nope, it got even stranger. After I did my loop (in record time, I might add as I was really feeling myself) and returned to the bridge to head back to the parking lot, the Bat-phone rings. A friend of mine starts screaming in my ear, "Have you seen the Instagram video? It's crazy! I think they're talking about you! You gotta see this!! And why have you been holding out on me?!" I reminded this idiot that I don't do Instagram and am too stupid to even know how to access it. "I'll send you the link. All you gotta do is hit play...moron. Call me back."

    So I found an empty picnic table, sat down, did what I was told and hit the 'PLAY' button. You thought the Kris Hemsworth thing was crazy! It's CHRIS, you dope! For the love of Thor...CHRIS!! This was X-Files, stuff. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, or ears. Here are these two gorgeous women being caught on a phone camera, I presume, having an argument, that turned into a shouting match, that turned into, what neanderthal guys in high school used to call, a CHICK fight! OVER ME! I think... Anyway, there they are; Jennifer Aniston and Lily James. Lily James and Jennifer Aniston!! A-Listers! Gorgeous! Arguing over your humble writer...I think.

    The best I can figure is these two were chatting it up in Los Angeles and the conversation turned to a particular guy! The audio was difficult to make out, what with Lily's British accent, but I'm pretty sure I got it: 

"Hey Jen, good to see you." 

"Hi Lily, how's it going? Oh, congratulations on Pam and Tommy and your latest What's Love Got To Do With It?" 

"It's going great. And thanks. They were wonderful projects. Just a little jet lag going back and forth from London to LA."

"I hear you. It can be annoying. But it's worth it, right?"

"Oh, yes. Hey, I've got a question if you don't mind. I hear that you're a reader of this blog called From The Golf Room by a guy named Peter Hall. Is that true?"

"Absolutely. Someone out here turned me on to it a number of years ago. He's so insightful and gifted. Sort of a combination of Shakespeare, George Will, and Phillip Roth. I send him stuff for his Mail Bag column every once in a while. He's a great guy. AND he's gorgeous! If it wasn't for all my traveling...you know what I mean?"

"Oh, god, yes! You think you could put in a word for me? I'm tired of the whole dating scene and I'd really like to settle down. This could be the one, I think!"

"C'mon now, Lily. You're a little young for him, don't you think?"

"Hey Jennifer, just because you don't think you can handle him doesn't mean I can't. Maybe he just needs a young Brit to keep him young."

"Why you little British bitch..."

"You condescending American slut!"

    The audio got a little garbled after that as hair started to be pulled and punches were thrown. And man can those British girls curse! Anyway...I don't know about you, but I heard "Peter Hall" and "From The Golf Room." That works for me! 

    And don't worry Jen, I still love ya. 

    Lily...call me...let's talk.

Happy April Fools Day, everyone!!

Write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com