A Smile in the Snow

    I believe it was warm enough to golf, here in the Delaware Valley on Thanksgiving Day...well, for some of us, anyway. But at the very least there was no snow. And then Christmas rolled around; not a snowflake to be found...well, except for those young people who run and hide at the slightest questioning of their world view. See what I did there? Pretty good, huh? You're an idiot! New Years Day came and went and temperatures reached 45 degrees around here (that's Fahrenheit for those of you in The Maldives)! So, I guess the aerosol cans are working. Remember Drew Carey's great line back when he was doing stand-up? "F@&# the grandkids, I'm cold now!" He was a really, really good stand-up comedian. Anyway, it seems like it all caught up to us today, on this January 6, 2024. That's right... 2024! 

    HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone! I hope all of your holidays were everything that you desired, and that you didn't go overboard with your resolutions. Keep it simple, I always say. Of course you say that. You resolved to take more deep breaths than you did last year! Moron! And here's to a great 2024...for all of my readers. You deserve it after reading this stuff for all...or most...or just a little...maybe...of 2023!? But let's be honest, there are people we don't wish a Happy New Year. The short list is, oh, where do we start? Hamas. No Happy New Year for them. And Vladimir Putin, right? No Happy New Year for him, either. There's a longer list, but you get my point. There are just people, organizations that I would like to see suffer and be miserable all year long. That’s just me. 

    But back to the weather. As I am thinking and typing this (yes JD, I can think and type at the same time), the snow is falling in flakes the size of Yugos! It's kind of cool. I'm surprised I didn't get a text from my friend Rick (you know, one of those guys on the Team With No Name that Doc and I waxed in 2023), telling us that he just played 9 holes in the sub-zero temperatures...show-off! Well, I... told... him! I said that for every hole he played, I would do a push-up. That'll teach him, right Sancho? I mean, he plays 9 holes in 35 degree weather. Nine push-ups. Big deal, right? I have St. Mary's Hospital on speed-dial, right now Boss! Nice...

    However, when we talk about weather, we, of course, have to talk about Alaska. And whenever snow is scheduled for this area, I, of course, have to shout to one of my dearest friends and my best friend in Alaska, The Divine Ms. A! Boss, she's your ONLY friend in Alaska! Details, Sancho. When I let her know, a few days ago, about the onslaught of white stuff and cold air that we were going to have today (low- to mid-twenties of temperature; 2-4 inches that could bring the entire region to a halt; not to mention stores running out of bread, milk, bottled water... Strawberry Frosted Pop-Tarts!), she reminded me that in North Pole, Alaska, they already had 43 inches of snow on the ground and the temperature was minus 3, with an expected high (Or is it low? You're unbelievable!) of minus 5, on this January 6, 2024. Those Alaskans are such show-offs...

    Because we've known each other for a hundred years or so, the conversation turned toward other things like old friends, family, and being a couple of gym rats. Now, as some you know, being a gym rat can lead to the occasional injury. That's right, you get to a certain age, it's all about the health! So she starts out going on and on about how she blew out her knee a while back, and then later on, how she stepped in a ditch on the campus where she works! I said, "You're a two-sport athlete and you stepped in a ditch? What the hell's the matter with you?!" She said, and I quote, "Don't be an idiot, Peter. It was pitch dark, because it's ALWAYS pitch dark up here! I was on campus where you wouldn't expect to fall in a DITCH, and to make matters worse I injured my thumb so bad they had to put a steel rod in it! Top that, you dork!" Well, the first thing I told her was that the use of an opposable thumb is what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom, including the primates who, even though they have an opposable thumb haven't figured out how to use a nine-iron yet, let alone a corkscrew, so she was in real trouble! (She then hung up on me and I had to call her back!)  I then told her that I was STILL feeling the effects of my blown out ACL that continues to haunt me when I WALK 18 holes of golf; and hit the elliptical machine every day; and suffer through the growing tendinitis in my hands and feet, etc., etc. Not missing a beat and no doubt not impressed with my Job-like infirmities, she then asked what I thought was a really unfair question... something about how long ago I blew out my knee. She said, "Didn't you do that 10 or so years ago?" I said, "Maybe." Hung up on me, again. Isn't that just like a woman who blew out her knee, fell in a ditch, and needed a steel rod put in her thumb so she couldn't hold a 9-iron? Unbelievable! 

    Well, after calling her back...again...I tried to get back in her good graces with a funny story that I will now share with you, dear reader. A few days after Christmas I was out and about running some errands and eager to use my Barnes and Noble gift card! Not far from the B&N is a Burger King. I had been to the gym that morning and was feeling pretty good. I was also feeling really hungry. So, yes, I pulled in to the BK and marched in the front door! I hadn't been in a Burger King in decades so I had to study the menu behind the cashier, all the while whistling the BK jingle. C'mon, you know it..."Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us..." There, now I have Don Juan and The Original G singing the BK jingle and they will never sleep after they reads this!!!

    Anyway, I place my order (with a special caveat of no pickles on my cheeseburger, just to see if I can still get it MY way), and wait to be called. That's right, wait to be called, over the loudspeaker, like you're on the first tee at Augusta! Very cool. I walk up, get my tray and saunter back to my table. By the way, it's a nice BK there next to the Oxford Valley Mall (for those of you in the area). Very clean, nice people and lots of windows...LOTS of windows! Very airy!

    Now, I was hungry, so I got a large drink, large fries, and two cheeseburgers. C'mon, I was really hungry! So I sit down, and as I'm looking at the unwrapped burgers, they seem, I don't know, different. It's like when you look at someone you haven't seen in a while and think...something's different. And you say to them, "You got a new, different haircut!" When they say, "No," and you unsuccessfully guess a few more times about lost weight, or contact lenses, they then tell you one of two things; they got a complete face-lift, or they're pregnant! I suck at things like that. But I digress...

    Well, by this time, I realize the French fries are really small. I was pretty sure I ordered large...but, maybe it's just me. I'm old, you know. So I unwrap my first cheeseburger and I say to myself, "Wait a minute!" I might have said something else, but let's stick with, "Wait a minute!" I then unwrap the second cheeseburger (and by the way, they got the 'no pickles' part right...so there's that), and it's the same look! So, believe it or not, I happen to have a silver dollar in my pocket and I take it out. I put the silver dollar in the middle with the two cheeseburgers on either side. They may as well have been triplets, except for two of the items being burgers and one being metal...but, whatever. And trust me, the silver dollar didn't suddenly just increase in size!

    Well, I'll tell you what I did. I marched right up to the cashier area, whipped out my receipt and, amazingly, did and said nothing! Pretty proud of me, huh? Well, I did LOOK at my receipt and then up at the menu board to see if maybe I was given the junior burgers and fries. I mean, people keep telling me I look so young, but not THAT young! I even thought they might have made a mistake and given me the "He's old and doesn't need such a big burger, especially if he's ordering TWO of them! So let's give him the mini-burgers!" But no, no junior menu, no save him from a heart attack menu, no BK for babies, screen. Nothing. I got exactly what I ordered (which I suppose is a plus, right?). The burgers and fries are just...MINI-BURGERS! It's like one of those bad Sci-Fi movies on the COMET Network! The Incredible Shrinking Burgers! Un-freaking-believable! Oh...by the way...same price! 

    So, Happy New Year, again! It's a hard world out there with a lot of shit going on...both at home and abroad. So, if I may be so bold and presumptuous to make a resolution for all of us: Let's all try to laugh and smile a little more, and remember, hold on tight to the ones you love. I know we have to be serious at times, and I'm going to write and get ornery sometimes. But, I hope this piece sets a little bit of a tone, even through the serious stuff. And thanks, Ms. A!

write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com