Don't Tell Them That!

    So I'm having a late afternoon pow-wow with the parental units...always checking in and making sure they don't need anything moved, lifted, cut, raked, painted, written, found on the Internet, interpreted in a new and proper way from the Bible (see what I did there?), cooked, whatever...before I head home and cook my dinner. Boss, your mother would no sooner eat anything you cooked than join a South American cult! Funny as always, Sancho. Anyway...as always, it was a great time. Am I the greatest son, or what? You're an idiot. This time, as we were doing our round table, one topic led to another and somehow the following sentence made its way into the conversation as thus, "You can do anything you set your mind to?" I'm pretty sure we were talking about advice that was given to a niece or a nephew, but it very well could have been something my folks had said to me or my brother when we were young, or something one of your parents had said to you as you were growing up. 

    Well, now. As soon as my mother uttered those words, I came THIS close to saying, "Mom, that's one of the dumbest things you have ever said. You absolutely can't tell kids that!" Now, that would have been hurtful and uncalled for...sort of. I mean, my mother and I have gotten into it, as I'm sure many of you can imagine, about the existence of her god, or the veracity of the Bible as actual history, or even her love affair with the Manning brothers, for crying out loud! But this phrase is a bit more practical...more down to earth and secular, as it were. "You can be anything you want to be." Hmmm...let's discuss.

    When I was a kid, being a Star Trek youngster in the late 60s and then watching Neil Armstrong walk on the moon, I had these dreams, like a lot of kids, of doing something like that. As a matter of fact, my first real interest was astronomy. I memorized all the planets, read about our closest galactic neighbor (Andromeda, if you're interested), read and studied astronomy stories and discoveries, and really dove into it. Well, like most kids, as time went on other things took over, like sports, writing...even speaking. I always got an 'A' in yapping when I was young! But what I didn't get an 'A' in was advanced mathematics. I mean, I aced my way up to and including Algebra II; but then Calculus/Trigonometry might as well have been Klingon to me. Because no matter what you're good at, if you're not good in advanced mathematics and physics, you might as well start making tee times...because your astronomy career is over, most likely before it began...like mine! As an aside, many years later I got on this ride at Disney World that imitated the journey to Mars, I believe. It had the portal with the view-screen just like the USS Enterprise (I was Captain Kirk!), G-forces, the floating in space, upside down, downside up...it was unbelievably realistic! And because it was unbelievably realistic, I got sick as a dog. Couldn't get out of that cockpit or whatever, fast enough. Walked down the steps found the first trash can and...yep, threw up the $54 hot dog and lemonade I had prior to the ride. Oh, and did I forget to mention my claustrophobia? If I had any lingering regrets about my childhood space dreams, they were answered right then and there!

    But never fear! There were other dreams...like my budding professional basketball career! I figured, hey...I can shoot this orange ball as good as anyone! I can play in the NBA (this was 1979, mind you), I can certainly be a role player on a team looking for a sharp-shooter, because c'mon, it's not like they were playing defense in the NBA back then! All these guys did was shoot, shoot, shoot! That's cash money, homes! And I wouldn't have to pass the ball to Jack Pepper or Chow Magee anymore! Give ME the rock, baby! Well, that dream went by the wayside, as well. I didn't get any taller than 6 feet, and I didn't get any quicker than, well...I just didn't get any quicker. You see what I'm getting at here?

    Now, some of you might be thinking that this whole "Can't always be what you want to be" argument is limited to sports. Oh, that it were so, my friends. Let's get back to the whole astronomy thing, shall we? And I know you're probably bitching and moaning that I'm using myself as the example for humanity here. Because, well...Peter's an idiot. But let's pretend for a moment that I'm not as stupid as Sancho and some of you think I am. Let's try to agree that many careers young people start thinking about take a certain level of intelligence. Now, I don't want to go all Charles Murray/The Bell Curve here, but (and I'm going to make some generalizations, because that's what we need to do sometimes) every occupation takes a minimum amount of intelligence. Whether it's an average intelligence for a certain job/career or a more advanced intelligence/IQ for something more. And I know some parents don't want to hear this, because every parent thinks their kid is Einstein, right? But unfortunately, not every kid is Einstein. There it is. I said it. I'm an ass. Have at me. But it's true. 

    There are a lot of careers/interests, whatever, that seem really cool for all of us...especially young people no matter how young they are. But, and there's always a "But", not every one of us is smart enough to do some of the things we dream about. Since I'm the only example I'm willing to talk about...back to me! I would have loved, and I mean loved, to be an astro-physicist or high-end astronomer. Are you kidding me? To try and figure out the beginnings of the universe, etc., etc.? Is the universe finite or infinite? How did the compounds that began with the "Big Bang" finally lead to the human beings we are today? That's huge stuff! I'm all in! But as much as I enjoy reading essays or working papers about those types of topics and discussing them with friends who have similar interests...I am nowhere near intelligent enough to do the work that goes into those theories or mathematical equations and trying to prove them. Not even close. And while that saddens and frustrates me at times, I comfort myself in saying that, well, I can do other things that are incredibly interesting and productive. But I understand, and know, that it's a tough pill to swallow. 

    And that's the conundrum that people, especially parents, find themselves in. I know, I know...I'm not a parent...but I was a kid and I've been, in recent years, in the position to talk to young people about this. The overarching topic I'm dancing around...is the universal necessity of college. Do we keep pushing our young people into a situation that they may or may not be ready for? Do we buy into the American credo that says, only someone with a 4-year degree from whatever university can be successful, happy, and fulfilled? I say no. I have seen example after example of a young person deciding that college isn't for him or her (these are the self-aware ones) and ends up working hard at something they actually like, and turning it into a career that is not only lucrative, but fulfilling. Trust me...I got names.

    Forget about the kid that gets to college and is just lazy. He or she probably has an above average IQ, which is what you need to get through 4 years, but just doesn't give a damn. So after they've wasted enough of Mom and Dad's money, they drop out. But they're probably gonna be okay. They'll get around to making their money, or they end up going to back to school later after they've done their time in the workforce and get their shit together.  

    The other, and sadder example, is the kid who has been pushed and browbeat by the parental units (who bought into the credo mentioned above), and has an IQ anywhere from 90-105 (or even higher). That kid is behind the eight-ball, already. They wanted to be a doctor, or a nuclear physicist, or an electrical engineer. And they were promised they could do anything they put their mind to. But no matter how hard they work...the amounts of reading, the exams, the projects...all snowball. Why? Because, sometimes you can't do anything you put your mind to! And yes, maybe they're just not smart enough. But you see, they're not smart enough for a good college. Or maybe it's not about being smart, per se...maybe some people are just wired a different way. Some people just aren't "wired" for academics...or certain aspects of academics. I mean, my brother did not go to college. He found a career love and his parents encouraged him every step of the way. He knew college just wasn't his thing. You could say he just wasn't wired that way. Instead, he builds homes for a living. He builds really, really nice homes. I, on the other hand, couldn't build a Lincoln Log House! I'm just not wired that way. I look at a house and I have no idea how he went from a three-acre lot, to a million dollar home that has no holes in it, doesn't leak, and won't fall apart at the first stiff breeze, like my attempt at building a home would. Again, you see what I'm getting at? And to paraphrase Will Smith, I think that's what some "parents just don't understand!" Man, I am too cool...  You're unbelievable!

    So like their lazy, but really smart friends, the kids who shouldn't be in college in the first place get frustrated, angry...whatever, and they drop out, just for different reasons. And these are the kids I feel bad for. Because now they feel like they have failed. And maybe they're embarrassed, or maybe they just shut down because so many people had these grandiose, high hopes for them. Hopefully, they right the ship, as it were. And some do. But many don't. And they just drift and drift until they're lost. Trust me...I got names. 

    So what do we do? Because I've read the literature, and kids are dropping out of college at an alarming rate and assuming failure. And they're a step or two away from being lost. Now, it's easy for me to say something trite like, "Hey, instead, let's tell kids they can do anything they are capable of." I know, that sentence even sounded stupid when I typed it. But that sentence is not far from the truth. Many of you reading this, at least my friends and colleagues, are now grandparents. You've not only been through this now...TWICE...but you've got pull. Trust me! And you can't do what those idiot parents did in trying to get their kids into colleges and universities by paying some guy to, basically, rig the game in their favor! Really, Lori Laughlin, or whatever your name is now? Basically, these parents said, "My dear child, you're too stupid to get into USC, or wherever, so Daddy and I are going to rig it. No worries. You won't have to do a thing." Think about that for a second. These parents bought into the credo, and THEY are the ones who became a national laughing stock...not to mention white-collar criminals! 

    But what you CAN do is find out what your kid or grand-kid loves doing. And if it takes college and grad school...figure it out...together. But if it's something that doesn't need a degree...figure it out...together. Every one of you reading this is a better parent/grandparent than I am. Figure it out. Just promise me you won't tell them they can do anything they put their mind to. Because maybe they can't.

write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com