They're Taking My Job!

    Picture this, dear reader, as we travel in Mr. Peabody's WABAC machine all the way back to 1966. Boss, I thought you were trying to be more hip, cool, with it, RAD...for your young readers?! Yeah...and? Well, none of the kids have clue one who Mr. Peabody and Sherman are. And some of your contemporaries might be in the dark, as well. Boss, these kids don't even know who Arnold Horshack is, let alone Mr. Peabody and Sherman. But an "A" for the effort, old man! Really? That far out of the mainstream, huh? Way, way...far out! Oh, well. 

    A young lad about 4-years-old is dressed to the nines in his pleated white shorts, shirt and jacket, with a little bow-tie, neon white knee socks, and black and white saddle shoes. Oh, yeah...and a haircut with straight bangs that any 1960s preachers kid would be proud of. Man was that kid handsome! He was also sweating to death. Because, unfortunately, on this beautiful and sunny Saturday in suburban Boston it was about 110 degrees Fahrenheit (which is about 450 degrees warmer than it is in North Pole, Alaska right about now. But I digress...). Anyway, what was this adorable kid doing in suburban Boston in 1966, sweating to death, dressed like a waiter at the White House? I'll tell you what he was doing. He was being the most important person participating in the nuptials of his beloved Uncle Gary DeLong (my mother's brother) and his about to be Aunt Judy Lape. What do you mean most important, Boss? What do I mean? I was the ring-boy! That's right, boys and girls...the ring-boy. Without whom, the ceremony cannot end properly. No rings, no marriage. So, in essence, I was Da Man! Or, boy, as it were. At the age of four! Please, somebody make him stop... Actually, come to think of it, if I had been a little more on the ball back then in 1966, at the tender age of four, I could have told my preacher-father and nurse-mother that I wanted to identify as a girl, stuck to basketball as the years progressed, started playing golf much earlier, and dominated the women's teams in both sports in high school and college!! I am left speechless at your audacity, humor, stupidity, and all-around idiocy! Thank you, Sancho! So I can continue? If you must...

    I was reminded of this beautiful day and my pivotal role in the eternal happiness of my Aunt Judy and Uncle Gary when I read about the beginning of the end for ring-boys and ring-girls, alike. You see, it seems that young couples in this day and age want a little more pizazz in their ceremony. More bang for their matrimonial buck, as it were! They are not content with the majesty, solemness, dare I say time-honored traditions of the wedding ceremony as it has been practiced for millennia, ever since Fred first said, "I Do" to Wilma! No, no, no...these practices, these words, and these ideals have, to a degree, fallen by the wayside for our young people throughout this great land of ours, and even across the pond. Et tu, England? Yes, dear reader, I am taking a stand and carrying the torch to fight the good fight against another heinous example of...STOLEN JOBS! Oh, for the love of Adam Smith... 

    It would seem, my fellow Americans, that the time-honored and solemn job of ring-bearer is under attack. By whom, you might ask? Well, it's not a whom...it's a what. The pizazz that today's young couples want in their ceremonies is the pizazz of an eagle or a hawk flying into the ceremony and landing on the forearm of the bride or groom (wearing the appropriate forearm-protector, of course) with the wedding rings attached in some way to this usurping avian emissary! No, I'm not kidding. No more precious and adorable young boy or girl walking up the aisle, smiling from ear to ear and nodding to the appropriate relatives, all the while making sure to hesitate ever so inconspicuously at the cameras being pointed in their direction all the way up the aisle. Not that I did that...but, whatever! 

    "Badass Birds," as the New York Post blared! "Barn Owl Ring Bearer - Behind the Scenes" from a youtube.com piece. And from NPR: "An Owl as a Ring Bearer - What Could Go Wrong?" Now, I understand in this day and age why young couples think that having a predatory animal like a hawk, eagle, or barn-owl, is really fly! Get it...FLY? God, I'm good...You're an idiot! But I think the appropriate words in the above few sentences are, "What Could Go Wrong!" Think about this for a second. You've got a predator with a wingspan anywhere from 5 to 8 feet. And the 3 species I've mentioned are all 5-star predators. You're hoping against hope that the person filming your special day doesn't narrate the following: "It's been a lovely service so far, ladies and gentlemen. And now it seems that we are expecting what the couple has hinted will be a wonderful surprise. And, oh my word, I think that surprise has arrived. Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that an eagle...Yes...an American Bald Eagle is flying down the center aisle of this lovely chapel with what seems to be the wedding rings attached to the talons. This is a wonderful, if not historic moment, my friends. Hall-of-Fame worthy by any measuring stick. In all my years of broadcasting these lovely events, I don't think I've ever been witness to such an occasion. I mean...well, wait one second. It seems that the eagle is slowing down well before the altar ceremony. It's hovering over a woman in the second row. I believe it's the bride's grandmother who is wearing a lovely, pink pill-box hat on her head. Oh, dear. [Imagine the silky smooth British accent of David Attenborough here] It seems that the American symbol has mistaken her hat for a nest. Oh, my, ladies and gentlemen. It would seem, my friends, that "the eagle has landed"...right on the poor woman's hat. We'll be right back after a few words from our sponsors."

    You see what I'm getting at, kids? And that's not even discussing the bird-droppings, etc., that are inevitable when you're dealing with big birds! AND, what if everything goes as planned and the bird actually carries out his solemn duty. The eagle, in fact, BRINGS the BLING! Oh, Don Juan, make him STOP! What if the bird decided at this point..."I'm outta here! No more performing for this guy! Free at last, Free at last, thank the Birdman from Alcatraz, I'm Free at last!!" If that happens, you're out $1,200! Because that's the going rate for renting one of these, hopefully, trained predators. Are you kidding me? $1,200. I got squadoosh! Nada! I got a pat on the head and then was told to sit away from the adults because children should be seen and not heard! 

    Unbelievable. $1,200. And for what? There's a good chance any one of these hunters will grab the Paris Hilton dog that at least one nitwit brings to these special occasions. Or maybe the bird never lands! Maybe it just finds a ledge or trellis to hang out on for, what, an hour? Not good. The food's already getting cold because the preacher, priest, whoever...decided to take this opportunity to wax eloquently (maybe) about...nothing!! But I digress...

    So, back to me! Unbelievable... You want pizzazz? I can give you the Mary Lou Retton treatment down the aisle with a couple of handsprings and a super-hero landing. Or maybe you want the Deion Sanders touchdown shuffle (not to be confused with the Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle)! I can do understated just like I did back in '66 or pull out the mini-trampoline and do a flying tomahawk jam while smiling for the cameras to a portable basketball hoop right over the bride and groom...because let's be honest, that's the only way I can dunk anymore! See what I did there? So call now! 1-800-RING-BOY! Our operators are standing by!

Write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com