Last Call

[Editor's Note: The following piece was originally published back in the late 1990s in a somewhat juvenile, comedic newsletter/rag called The Golfer's Gazette. It was written and published by Pete, all by himself with his little typing hands, for his golf buddies up in the Boston area and then included the golf nitwits in the Delaware Valley. I am republishing this on the website and posting it to his Facebook page (because he stupidly gave me his password) to prove to people that at one time he was sort of funny and not the George Will-like curmudgeon that we have, unfortunately, sometimes become accustomed to! I've known him since college, and some of you have known him for a much longer time. He wasn't always this cranky, right? What the hell happened?! To his credit, I asked him to update this ever so slightly, to make it a little more relevant to current readers...and he surprisingly agreed. Go figure. So, from everyone here at From The Golf Room, we hope you had a great Thanksgiving... ENJOY! Sincerely, Charles "Chow" Magee, Editor-at-Large]

    

    A couple of weeks ago I read an interesting article whose topic was the death penalty. As I've already opined on the topic I won't bore you again with what would be a lot of repetition...and not funny at all! It had the usual narrative about whether or not it’s constitutional, or a deterrent, or for that matter…moral. It also dove deeply into the topic of the scientific advances in DNA analysis and how these investigative techniques have overturned a number of convictions for criminals on death row. Very cool stuff, if you’re a dork like me. So much for the lightening up, Boss. Hold on there, Sancho – here’s where my fractured mind comes in.
    You see, because we've just begun the crazy holiday season (Thanksgiving to Christmas), there is food everywhere. In fact, while reading said article, I was anticipating the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner, with ALL the trimmings. Uh oh… Yep, you guessed it. I thought to myself, “What would be my last meal if I were on death row?” For the love of Anthony Bourdain. Really? Now, because it would be unfair to keep a great cosmic question like this to myself, I started asking around - friends, family, and colleagues in the vast offices of The Golf Room. A George Gallup nightmare! And you know what? Even though most everyone began their answer with, “You’re a moron!” I got some wonderful responses. Because food is cool! It brings back fond memories. I think of my sainted grandmother killing lobsters in a huge steel pot on Beals Island!! See what I did there? I mean, I’m not Anthony Bourdain (may he rest in peace), but this was fun.
    Remember...last meal.  They are about to flip the switch! Oh...some of the names have been withheld/changed to protect the dopey.
    From the colleague's department, we had two Surf-n-Turf orders (the second of which expanded to Prime rib, rack of lamb, one Maine lobster, and 1 Rock Lobster (The B-52s! Get it? Man, I’m good!) There was a 3 lb. Alaskan crab legs order with Yukon gold loaded mashed potatoes and champagne with sashimi, concluding with 2 Snickers bars. Bryan’s a big man and that’s a meal! We had a 5-course Italian meal order with wine/Ben and Jerry’s/nachos/cherry coke/margarita/rib-eye/mashed potatoes and gravy. There was Chicken Pot Pie; Mom’s lasagna; Grandma’s lasagna...and some dope wanted just cheesecake! Really? Finally, an order of real ramen noodles with grilled duck heart on a fried onion ring. Leave it to Travis to really shock me. I don’t even know what any of that is, but I love it. Moving on to my idiot golf buddies, we got things like Crab cakes from the Hula Grill with champagne; then there was an order for full blown traditional Thanksgiving dinner with a side of Lobster, to be followed by boned-in steak w/baked potato…Junior wanted a bacon cheeseburger and fries (golfers can be so boring); and there was another lobster order w/butter and a bottle of gin; one guy wanted an egg bagel. I’m not kidding – an egg bagel. 

    Moving on to dear friends who are incredibly wary of being quoted by yours truly...what am I, anthrax?; my dear friend Gayle from Oxford, Pennsylvania (it's her real name; I'm not making fun of her, what does she care!) wants Crab Imperial and Filet Mignon medium rare (what the hell is Crab Imperial?). The Original G (and we all know who he is) wanted in on this and ordered a Ravioli appetizer, and scallop potatoes with asparagus. This is to be topped off with a layer cake of no particular kind, BUT butter cream icing. Oh, and I almost forgot...the scoops of ice cream, that I assume are going to be slid in my direction! It's the last meal, right?! Then there were the parental units who came up with, I'm not kidding, Ely's Farm tenderloins, medium rare, with potatoes and green beans. The stepfather, saint that he is, and just released from the hospital after a heart procedure, was whining for a sausage pepper sandwich with onions and fries...no tomatoes! He's okay, by the way. Thanks for asking. Not to be outdone...there was an international crowd that wanted nothing but Indian food. Ugh... Indian food. The North Carolina crowd wanted lightly battered calamari with Caesar salad and grilled salmon strips; filet mignon, medium seared in butter and lightly dappled with hot spices (C'mon, I know this guy; he doesn't even know what dappled means!). Also, garlic mashed potatoes slathered in melted butter. 

    My dear friend and yours, Don Juan of Yardley, as his wife laughs in the background, wants meat loaf.  That's right, meat loaf. Obviously, Mrs. Juan is a tremendous cook, and he doesn't care! He also wants chives, bacon bits, sour cream, corn, salad with balsamic vinegar; ice cream for dessert (nothing specific), and a cigar to finish off the meal and ride into execution! The description AFTER the meat loaf is worth the entry, my friend. Dorothy from Kansas wants Filet Mignon (medium rare) with a cheesy potato casserole (god, I almost thought she said tuna fish casserole....whew!!) and broccoli salad with a sour dough bread (Really, broccoli salad!! C'mon...man!). After the main course, a brownie with vanilla ice cream. Sounds delicious, a little boring...but she does live in Kansas. We love her anyway!!! Huge!! Speaking of holding in our heart, The Divine Ms. A wants a Charcuterie board with the following: bite sized Dunkin Doughnuts, Mallons sticky buns, East coast cheese pizza (probably V&S in Fairless Hills, Pa.), cheesesteak wiz, wit steak (and that's not a typo; if you're from Philly, it's "wit steak!"), shrimp and a twice baked potato with extra sour cream, cheesecake with strawberries and mint chocolate chip ice cream with hot fudge!" Whew! That's my Alaskan Girl!

    And last but not least...Man About Town, Chip Magee! He wants chicken cordon bleu with some creamy au gratin potatoes. He wants to add a bread of "some sort" (maybe some Pillsbury Crescent rolls; remember those that your mom or dad slammed on the corner of the kitchen counter? How good was that?!) and a chocolate cake of no particular variety! These are the people I'll take a bullet for!

    There were a few more, but you get my point. Food is great, whether it’s the five-star meal or an egg bagel or whether it’s shared with friends and family, or just savoring the grilled-cheese sandwich and tomato soup in front of the TV in January. It brings back memories and beckons you to plan for more. 

    So, during this holiday season…Enjoy!
    Wait, Boss. Which one was yours? Who, me? Well, I'll take a certain homemade chicken parmesan dinner and a glass of Bordeaux. That's the one for me. Then you can flip the switch. 

write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com