Men Are Dopes!

    I know, I know...the title seems pretty self-evident. In fact, I'm sure that I have typed and said those exact three words many times before. And I know that I will type or say those three exact words many times again. So, why is your humble correspondent being redundant? Well, I'll tell you. But first, you have to close your eyes and take a little trip with me. Yes, that means everyone. Ready? Here we go. Peter, you dope. If they close their eyes then they can't read the essay! Oh, right. Well, let your mind float freely while you read. You are such an idiot...

    Imagine that you are seated comfortably in your plane cruising towards your post-holiday destination of, oh, I don't know, The Maldives, or Hawaii...or maybe even Cleveland! As you are getting ready to start your descent, all of a sudden a voice comes over the intercom system and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, both pilots are incapacitated. Are there any passengers who could land this plane with assistance from air traffic control?" Just think about that for a second. If you think you could manage that...you're not alone. It seems that a survey was taken not too long ago asking that very question. And you know what? There were 33% of adult Americans who said, "Sure, I could do that!" Now, here's the crazy part; among men, the confidence level rose to just under 50%! Men are dopes.

    So being a dork, as well as a dope, I did a little digging. Because as most of you are aware, my hand would have excitedly shot up first and no doubt broken as it would have gone right through the baggage compartment above me! Please...c'mon. Land the plane, with a little help from air traffic control? What's the big deal?! I'm a great driver! Do I get to wear the hat? Didn't any of you see Airplane, or even Airplane II? For those of you who want to jump out of the plane with me at this point, raise your paws!

    So what really goes into this whole landing a plane thing? I've heard the stories of passengers who've saved the day when the pilot passes out and is unresponsive. Some guy named Darren Harrison just did it last year in Florida with a twin-engine plane when the pilot passed out. Air traffic control helped him out! So, there you go! You're an idiot... Well, I AM told that those types of circumstances usually involve small, simple planes. People say flying a bigger, commercial jet is, I guess, more difficult. Maybe...let's see.

    It would seem that a pilot spends about 90% of his or her time monitoring autopilot systems and making sure everything is working as intended. Check. I've got 2 pairs of glasses; one for seeing the world around me, like, you know, a golf course, and the other one is for reading. I got this part. The other 10% is spent managing problems, taxiing, taking off and landing. That's 4 things. Big deal. Multitasking. I can do that! I did really good on my SATs! Plus there's that whole auto-pilot thing. Does anyone really think that my good friend Scott Williams actually steered those submarines? Stop it! He hit the auto-pilot button, sat back in his big leather Captain's chair, did the New York Times crossword puzzle, and watched his hair fall out! Ah, we kid because we love! Scottieeeeeeeeeee!!

    Now, it's been said that taking off and landing are always performed manually. But we have AI now, right? Check... But just to be sure, I read where during takeoff I have to build up speed until the wings can generate enough lift to pull it into the air. Pretty cool, huh? I have to pay close attention to multiple instruments and external cues, while keeping the aircraft centered on the runway. More multitasking. Check. Remember the SAT scores!

    Then all I have to do for a time is chat it up with air traffic control (that's no problem), follow a particular path, retract the landing gear (a button) and maintain a precise speed and direction while trying to climb into the bright blue yonder, while singing Jimmy Webb's classic, Up, Up, and Away! That was a balloon, you idiot! 

    Now, all I have to do is land. How tough can that be? You slow down, keep the nose up, and you're home free. I mean, I watched Tom Cruise do this in TWO Top Gun movies. If that shrimp can do it, I certainly can! And I'm not even trying to land on an aircraft carrier, or Scottie's submarine. I've got a huge airport below me! But...and there's always a but...these so-called airplane experts, you know, the ones who actually built the damn thing, tell me that it's really difficult. It seems they want me to have precise control of the plane's direction and descent rate. I gotta keep an appropriate speed, while at the same time, managing gear and flap configuration (I might have to look that one up). I also have to adhere to air traffic regulations, communicate with air traffic control and complete a bunch of electronic and paper checklists. I'll do all the paperwork after I land and save the lives of all these people, who, no doubt, will want to buy me dinner for the rest of my life! Don't bother me with paperwork while I'm being a hero and planning my network interviews on all the morning shows! I mean, look at that guy who landed the plane in the Hudson River? They made a movie out of him and got Tom Hanks to portray him! I wonder who they'll get to play me? They could CGI Redford to make him look younger, which would be the spitting image of me! Remember Bob in Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid? That was me!! Nah...they'll no doubt go with Brad Pitt or Matt Damon. That's the smart move. And just like the Airplane movies we'll need the brave, smart, and beautiful stewardess to keep everything on an even keel and remind the pilot guy how brave and heroic and handsome he is, and they end up getting married in the end. Yep, I agree...Charlize Theron! Oh, my, god, someone make him stop!

    Anyway, when I get close to the runway...I mean, really close, I have to accurately judge the height, reduce power, and adjust the rate of descent - ensuring we land on the correct area of the runway. Big deal! I was a pretty good basketball player, and I'm a really good golfer. Height, distance, rate of descent? It's like shooting a jumper, or even better; have you ever seen me stick an 8-iron from 147 yards? It's a thing of beauty. This is nothing! And as far as the correct area of the runway, there isn't going to be a plane within 50 miles of us. So, I got that going for me! Oh, I'm reminded that once I land I have to use the brakes. Well, duh! And then I have to reverse thrust so we come to a complete stop before the runway ends, unlike that poor bastard in the movie 2012, who couldn't stop before he went over the ice cliff and plunged to a fiery death. Moron!

    Unbelievably, they say you need extensive training for all this. Maybe. They say I have to study aerodynamics, air law and flight rules, meteorology, human factors, navigating, aircraft systems...blah, blah, blah. Please... My buddy Scott can't even swim, and he drove a freaking submarine!!! Boss, he didn't STEER it, he CAPTAINED it, you dope! You know, like Captain Stubing on The Love Boat! Oh, well...whatever! My hand is up, stewardess! I got this everyone! Come fly with me!!! Um, you might want to fasten your seat-belts, everyone...

    And just to be clear...MEN ARE DOPES!

write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com