Cold and Crazy!

    War in the Middle East, War in Ukraine...I need a little break! But trust me...we'll return to the Middle East. Anyway... what to vent about? Oh, yeah...it happened again. I DID NOT win People Magazine's annual "Sexiest Man Alive." I know ladies, I can't believe it either!! Some shrub named Patrick Dempsey won! Really?? Last I saw he was the geeky-looking kid in Can't Buy Me Love! And then he co-starred in that cinematic masterpiece, Meatballs III: Summer Job! Really?? Meatballs III??? You mean Meatballs I and II weren't enough to make you wanna rip your eyeballs out with a melon scooper! Peter, those films were back in 1987! And the award isn't for Best Actor, you dope. The guy's a stud. They called him Dr. McDreamy for crying out loud! Well, I suppose. The upside is, I got a call from the editor guy at People Magazine. He said he felt really bad and that Charlize Theron even called him and screamed, calling it a national tragedy that I didn't win...AGAIN...and this is why People's circulation is down (I got a little nervous about the "national tragedy" reference, as Charlize is originally from South Africa. The last thing I need is to be a national tragedy in 2 countries!). After he calmed her down, he said that if I can keep my looks and my stomach sucked in for another 4 years, they have every intention of doing a 65 and older "sexiest" issue, and that I'm a lock for that. So I have that going for me! Then I had to call Charlize and thank her for having my back. She's a devoted reader and has been known to sneak in a letter or two for the mail bag. She was great. "I can't believe this happened again, Peter!" she screamed. "I mean, who's sexier than you? Maybe...MAYBE...Brad Pitt! But you two look so much alike that it's a difference without a distinction, you know what I mean! OH...MY...GOD!!" I thanked her profusely and told her we'll do lunch some time. As I put the phone down I heard her yelling something in Afrikaans which I'm pretty sure, loosely translated means, "Give me Peter...or Give me Death!" Man, those South African girls, huh Sancho?! You're an idiot...

    Let's see...what else? Ah, yes...more importantly. Fortunately, like many of you, I've got connections. Not only do many of these connections warm my heart, but oftentimes they make me belly-laugh! Which brings me to one of my favorite connections. A dear friend familiar to many readers...the wise, wonderful and beautiful...Ms. Alaska! Now, according to the Inuit Daily Gazette, in the 33 years that the Divine Ms. A has been in Alaska, she has been named Ms. Alaska 25 times. That's gotta be some kind of record, right?! AND, that same paper of record has written that she is the greatest import from the lower 48 states since the electric blanket and Bunsen Burners! No small accolades coming from an Alaskan newspaper! But she still has time for dopes like me to ask stupid questions like, "Hey Ms. A! What do Alaskans think of that moronic reality show Life Below Zero?" I was heartened to hear that Alaskans think it's just as stupid as I do! Anyway, we got to talking the other night and the laughter ensued. 

    So check this out; there are a group of native peoples (one of many groups, I would imagine) who decided they wanted to change the English name given to the town by white settlers many moons ago, which is Point Barrow, named after Sir John Barrow of the British Admiralty. I get that. It seems that, at the time, it was just easier for the non-native Alaskans, of which there are many, to pronounce. As time has gone on the native peoples, and others sympathetic to their cause, kept pushing for a vote on the matter. Well, there was a referendum in 2016 to do just that. The name is Utqiagvik. I can't pronounce it either...but that's okay! The change became official on December 1, 2016. Good for them!! People had a desire. They talked it out, and they had a referendum. No fighting, no bloodshed. They voted and everyone lived with the results. Representative democracy like it ought to be. I love that story.

    Now the really funny thing about this part of the conversation was that the Divine Ms. A told me these people live in a region where the days are getting really short...and conversely...the nights are gonna start really dragging. And we only need one example here. This coming November 18, the sun will set. Big deal, Boss. The sun's gonna set here, too! Yes it will my diminutive friend. But, and there's always a "But," Sancho. For the Utquagvik's and their surrounding neighbors, the sun will not rise again until January 23rd! That's about 9 weeks, give or take! That's called perpetual darkness, homes! "Uh, hey honey...don't forget to plug in that nightlight!" Or, can you imagine if your significant other can only have sex in the daylight?! I know I'll never complain about the winter months here in the Delaware Valley...again! 

    This led to the best story. The Divine Ms. A sent me a picture of a local high school football field which has blue turf instead of green. Now, I've seen a couple of colleges and high schools here in the lower 48 with blue turf, but this picture was stunning in its beauty as the field isn't surrounded by a stadium of any kind. Just the evening Alaskan sky. It's a gorgeous photo. Now, here's the kicker, Ms. A relates that the field has lookouts with gentlemen armed with long guns that are on duty DURING the games keeping an eye out for... yep, you guessed it... polar bears! Freaking, POLAR BEARS!! REALLY?? Maybe the polar bears just want to do the YMCA song, or slide on the field at halftime! Or most likely, they're just looking for the Alaskan King Crab sandwich and fries from the concession stand! Can you imagine guys with long-guns sitting on top of high school stadiums here in the lower 48? What would they be aiming at, I wonder? 

    And to top it all off, the tradition at this particular high school is that if the visiting team wins, they go for a nice little dip in the Arctic Ocean. Feel free to file that under "Culture Shock!" I mean, all we did in high school after we won a basketball game was go around the corner to V&S Pizzeria for pizza, cheesesteaks, and Cokes! At least that's how I remember it!

    I'm exhausted just thinking about all that. Welcome to "Friday Night Lights," Alaska-style! I mean, I know everyone has a price. But speaking for myself, there might not be a price to get me to jump in the Arctic Ocean...IN THE FALL/WINTER! The Divine Ms. A ended the conversation by lamenting that the rest of the country, "Doesn't get us!" Hmmm...I wonder why! But at least they have you, Cheri. Stay warm, and keep the nightlight on!

    write to Peter: magtour@icloud.com